i'm back. again.

britney's back bitches!
so my updating has been raaawther splotchy over that last year or so. infact if you go back three or four posts, you will see a drunken promise to run the new york city marathon.
next sunday, november 7th, i will in fact be running. running seems a bit arrogant though... it's so exclusionary of the walking i might be doing. i like the word participating a bit more.

and a short series of updates.
i cut off my hair once i realized it wasn't quite as attractive as i had imagined. don't get me wrong i have nice hair... but there is something about having shaggy hair and a body on the pudgier side of awkward that gets you mistaken as a women from the rear by french tourists. true story.

i quit my job, got a new job, and then decided i wanted my old job back. and sort of got it back. more on that later.

so to be concise.
1. running the marathon.
2. lost a bit of weight training for said marathon.
3. grew my hair out really long to then realize i didn't like it that much and short hair is ultimately more comfortable and flattering.
4. quit my job.
5. got a new job.
6. quit that job.
7. got my old job back.

my parents are really proud of me.

asian?

i know that the amount of readers this blog gets is barely out of the single digits, but for some reason all of my comments are in some asian script. whaaat? i'm going to start telling people i'm big in japan.

wednesday matinees

the ladies who come to the restaurant for an unlimited pasta lunch before going to see the jersey boys make me realize why women have been subjugated for thousands of years.

i have a hard time keeping what i'm thinking off of my face

which is why i get a lot of homeless people telling me to smile. when i'm having a bad day it's SO difficult to keep a smile going. i'm going to start telling people that i have bell's palsy when they ask what's wrong.

and i'm back, hopefully i'll stick with it

i forgot about you. well not really. i kept thinking i should write something and post it... and then i would get really drunk, or take a walk, or go to dinner, or fall asleep, or watch some dreadful on the television... or any combination of the above and completely forget my task.
i could give excuses; like the battery on my computer died two months ago and i've been much too lazy/busy/apathetic to go get a new one, or that my phone is just too small to do any real typing on, or that nothing truly interesting has been happening in the last five months. but i think people only like excuses when they are excusing themselves. i have to go to the toilet.

happy new year and more about my hair

it's 2010 and i'm still trying to become a long hair. i had it cut yesterday, or "shaped" as my mother would say. and i'm not gonna lie... it's looking great. but that comparatively... it had been so long since i'd been to the hairdresser that i had a lot of feathery hair going on and was not far from looking like an early kristy mcnicol.

now, according to the czech coat check, i look "like elvis pressley... not in bad way".

afterwards i got drunk and said i'll run it next year.

i watched the marathon this weekend with some friends in long island city. i was really surprised at how much fun i had shouting encouragement to all the runners. who knew that being nice to strangers was so rewarding? lots of the runners wrote their names on their shirts so you could call out to specific people.
"GO CAROLYNE!" i yell.
carolyne turns her head while running and replies, "it's caroline... but thank you anyways."

and that really irks me.
first of all, just say thank you or ignore me completely.
second, if you want people to call you caroline don't spell your name with a "y".

i was recently reading...

some blog, and i came across this.

There’s a moment upon entering an elevator where your life is revealed to you.

It begins when your elevator begins to descend. You either silently hope that no one else gets on, or you welcome the chaos of a new person. When someone does actually enter, you have one of two reactions: you are welcoming them into your home, or they are a German soldier and you are French. This moment is a reasonable barometer of your life.

and i thought, "oh my god! thats me! i'm the french, i hate riding elevators with people i'm closing off my life to others and i will always be alone!"
and i was kind of depressed about this all day.
and then i thought, "wait a minute. that's bullshit. you can't just make up some pithy statement about elevators; that they're a judgement about your life and that you are either open to possibilities or shut to the world."
it's not that easy. yes i should be more open to people and life... but that's a bad analogy and life isn't black or white... also after reading over that quote a second time i've decided it's poorly written.

on my way to san francisco

i took my vacation in san francisco this past week, visiting my friend amy and my brother luke. in the spirit of adventure (and my budget) i took the subway to the airport.
as i was getting off the train and lugging my suitcase to the air-tran a very nice latina women asked me where i was going. when i told her i was headed to san francisco she replied in a very friendly manner, "oh! you a homo! i thought going to the beach to put your feet in the water!"

i'm kind of embarrassed to say this outloud

...but i'm addicted to the books that "trueblood" is based on, the sookie stackhouse series by charlaine harris. now don't get me wrong... i very much enjoy them (it's a series of nine so far and i'm on the ninth book... i started the first about two months ago)but there are some things about them that make me cringe and hide the cover when reading on the subway.
the main character is a 25 year old woman, but it's very clear and uncomfortable that the writer is a fat old white lady because of the following reasons.
1. the way she describes the young characters clothing... LOTS of pantsuits, slacks, shells, and hose... kneehighs. none of these things would be worn by someone who is 25.
2. the descriptions of attractive men... listen, i find big broad shouldered men attractive to... but the way she writes it feels like she's a step away from just saying he looked like patrick swayze or mel gibson.
3. the sex scenes. are kind of graphic. and whenever i get to a particularly juicy one i can't help but flip to the back and look at the picture on the jacket...



and think she wrote this.

this all came to a head when my friend gina was over the other day and picked up one the books i'd left laying around. after reading the synopsis and she embarassingly asked what "panther brethren" were.
"a community of werepanthers", i answered... and then caught myself at how silly it sounded. but seriously they are really enjoyable.

but when you think about it, it is kind of true

the other morning i got coffee from a different shop than my usual. not surprisingly there was one of your run of the mill new york crazies inside. he was about 50 and wearing dirty sweatpants with a sensible amount of gold jewelry. it looked like he had finished his coffee hours earlier, but decided to stick around to hand out delightful bon mots and advice to the ladies who worked there.
"you women", he says at the top of his lungs. "you women, spending so much money. spending all your money on makeup and tampons."
"that's right", responds the lady at the counter. "but, we do it all for you men."

best new game ever

so i'm pretty sure that after the naming of her twin girls everybody knows that sarah jessica parker is not just kooky when it comes to fashion.
marion loretta elwell and tabitha hodge are quite possibly the worst names ever given. they are definately names to grow into... i'm sure by the time they reach 65 they will finally feel comfortable with them. my friend marica and were joking around and she said, "she might as well have named them burlap and pickn'save".
i was telling this to my roommate jermaine and we just kept the ball rolling to invent my new favorite game, called "hi, i'm sarah jessica parker."

instructions:

step 1.
say "hi, i'm sarah jessica parker. have you met my new babies?"

step 2.
insert two ridiculous and hideous baby names/objects that would be owned by old women. to give you some inspiration here are some of our best... shoestring and straw hat, fried chicken and church clothes, price is right and chin hair.

i for one would sooner name a child toothpick before loretta... even if it is just a middle name.

as of late...

i've been obsessed with two things that come out of bodies.

1. poop. but more specifically its regularity within my system.
2. babies. and how cute they are. i probably think about babies about as much as martha stewart's daughter does... and that's a lot.

also, i've been making lot's of list with just two items... which isn't really a list, it's kind of just two things.

the other day...

while in duane reade i followed this guy around. and i've been thinking about it alot... probably more than i should.

I first started following him because i heard his english accent. and then it was because i saw that he had running shorts and nice legs. but i kept up following because he was speaking really loudly and his conversation was a bit too intimate to having in the snack food aisle.

long story short.
he's just moved here from london with his girlfriend/wife on her prompting. and he's not liking the change. he HATES his new apartment. (too dark and the kitchen's too small)... get used to it i say, it's the east village.
and then here's the kicker. as i follow him to the checkout he says, "is it the best decision we've ever made? no. it's not screaming in my face that it is". isn't that a really horrible and great thing to say all at once.

so many things.
who was he talking to? do you think his old lady knew how he really felt?


so really just two questions.

when on the subway one should not...

1. eat curry.
2. smell like urine.

we've been over this new york... why do you constantly disappoint? let's get it together.

new passive aggressive activity that passes time

i'm growing out my hair right now. and it's become one of my favorite topics of conversation... much to the annoyance of everyone else. two of my favorite talking points.

1. i've stopped using shampoo. truly i have. i just wash thoroughly with hot water and then use a little product. i enjoy telling people this because it's kind of gross and fascinating. now i'm like one of those people that stops wearing deodorant and starts using crystals.

2. i like complaining about my hair and how it's too wild and too big. i especially like telling this to my friends who are balding. for emphasis say it in a voice that says, "boy are you lucky."

open mouth, insert foot

if there's one thing i'm good at it's people watching. if there's a second thing i'm good at, it's making snide comments regarding the people i'm watching. and if there is a third thing i'm good at it's sticking my foot in my mouth.
while out to dinner on friday night with my roommate jermaine and some friends of his, i noticed a man a chinstrap beard.
(while i do enjoy facial hair... i'm not a fan of novelty beards, moustaches, or sideburns.)
as i was quipping that chinstrap beards are for fat people who want to give the world the illusion that they do infact own a chin and or jawline, i realized that jermaine's good friend was also an owner of the afformentioned whiskers.
i stopped midsentance, looked around, and decided that i needed another beer... he pretended not to notice.

more about the homeless

this morning a homeless guy was begging on the subway.
"anyone spare a quarter? anyone spare some change? i am truly amazing. been off of drugs and drink for a year. truly amazing."
i doubt that he is truly amazing... the man selling batteries? now that is truly amazing.

too much

this evening after a fun night out, i shared a cab home with my friend juliet... who had made a really tasty cucumber prosecco drink... and enjoyed a few of them.
she asked, "did i make a fool of myself? i think i was too drunk. i am too drunk. are you sure i didn't make a fool of myself. i think i did."
we replied, "oh no, julie you were fine. eveyone had a good time and had a lot to drink."
the cabdriver says, "yes. you are making a fool of yourself."
"thank you, marzak." says juliet, reading his cabbie license. "thank you for telling the truth.

homeless people talk to me a lot

yesterday morning i rolled out of bed early and ran out to do some errands. the first person i saw was a homeless man.
it's a scientific fact that homeless/crazy people are preternaturally drawn to speaking to me. normally i pretend that they're not there and hold my breath until they pass.
didn't work this time. as soon as he sees me he says, "hey son, pick up your head. it's not that bad! you sexy!"