Thursday, February 26, 2009

no she's not

funniest thing ever.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

because i'm neurotic... and i could possibly smell bad.

i had a date tonight scheduled for 10:15 after i got out of work. i arrived a little early, and waited. and played on my phone. and waited. and then it was 10:40. and my phone died. and i decided to leave because the waiting had made me feel anxious, and i started to think maybe he wasn't coming.
i wonder whether i was stood up, or maybe he came after i left and i stood him up.
on the way to the subway, a homeless woman asked me for money. after i ignored her she followed me for two blocks muttering, "you stank, you stank".

Saturday, February 21, 2009

overheard at work

"and i remember that was the year women first wore pants," said a little old lady sitting on table 87.

Friday, February 20, 2009

inspired by amy's a few weeks back... a college story

when i was a freshman in college, i took a required class called "singing for actors". this was taught by a woman named claudia, who in addition to teaching our music class was a pyscho-analist. she was a sharp tongued women with a hairstyle akin to jay leno's, she'd recently dropped a few lb's due to a strong commitment to weight watcher's meetings.
she was full of pearls of wisdom like, "always wear black and a splash of colour." claudia mainly lived in new york, but took the train into boston to teach for a few days each week. i imagined new york to be a city full of people wearing black suits, black turtlenecks, black jeans... all with a red scarf, a green shoe, or a fluorescent pink undershirt peeking through.
the class would begin with a group warm-up and then move onto everyone singing solo in front of the class. each solo would end with a critique from claudia... often with an insult. either outright or veiled.
once a friend sang "razzle dazzle" from "chicago". before he was even finished she made a big hit-the-road-jack gesture and said, "well you didn't razzle dazzle me, sit down!" another time a friend had to leave class early for a doctor's appointment. "good bye amy, i hate you," she said.
it seemed horrific at the time, but thinking about it now she was basically a comic genius.

some commercials i really like

my favorite part is that his eye falls off...
at work i can't stop sneaking up beside people and whispering, "you can call me nanerpuss" in their ear.

and for some strange reason i find this commercial strangely compelling... it must be all the twirling colours... but also i like estelle's voice.
sidenote: i really love her "american boy" video. mostly because kanye west wears this really awesome fur coat in it.

Monday, February 16, 2009

go go my gentle scorpio

i love when people give their zodiac sign as a valid excuse or reason for doing something... "well i'm a leo, so you know..."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

more about me and my birthday, and some complaining

when you're a smaller than average boy growing up in florida during the early '90's, chances are that you enjoy having your birthday fall on valentines day.
it's a minor holiday, and doesn't attract too much attention away from you. instead you get exclamations of how cute you are, "you are just like a little cupid." as a theatrical child in need of approval, this satisfies.
as an adult most of the comments come from either a. ladies working at the dmv, b. ladies working at the liquor store, c. ladies who love astrology, or d. any combination of the above. it's not quite as amusing.

Friday, February 13, 2009

just like in a movie.

i was going down the stairs to the subway this morning, when a woman who was coming up turned to me and said:

"matthew, there is a gift for you. i don't know what it is."

and then she kept walking. i was so startled i didn't do anything... but i'm pretty sure something awesome is going to happen today... either that or she was talking on a bluetooth?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

i'm turning 27 soon

remember when you were little, and you would take those mini-ritz-peanut-butter-sandwich-thingies and dip them in chocolate with your grandma marge, and you would lay them on wax paper to dry, and you called them home-made-candies?
and you asked grandma marge how old she was, and she said 29.
and you knew she was joking... but it still seemed very very old.
doesn't seem so old anymore.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

so i deal a lot with assholes

...and i have a hard time not shooting it back at them. when an old woman shakes a finger in my face, i have no fear in shaking mine back in hers. when a guest at the door tells me that the concierge at the ritz carlton made them a reservation, i have no problem in calling him out as a liar... especially if there is a crowd, and especially if you can see the wife is embarrassed about what an asshole her husband is.
yesterday i got called over to a table so this guy could complain that we only had "sweet n' low" for his coffee. when i pointed out the sugar, he replied in a loud voice that i had just insulted him because he is diabetic. i wanted to ask him how that tiramisu was... but i didn't, instead i apologized. he then told me that "sweet 'n low" was cheap and asked if i wanted to appear cheap.
"i never appear cheap," i tell him and walk away.
he was dining alone.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

sometimes i feel just like angelina jolie that i really want a baby. right now. i also want a jamaican nanny.
in other news, i'm learning to knit and made a baby hat for my friend glenna's soon to arrive baby. i'm not gonna lie, i'm very talented.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


how wonderful is this video?  i used to see this guy all the time and he cracked me up.  he's so very dick van dyke-oliver twist.

also i'm jealous of his outfit.