Tuesday, August 26, 2008

i never liked 'em, and i never will

thank god the olympics are over! i have always hated sports. always. ever since i was small and my parents forced me to play soccer by bribing me with "my little ponies". and consequently i have always hated the olympics.
forget the whole world coming together for two weeks. it's two weeks of nothing on television but sports.
hell already has a channel, and it's called espn. so really nbc? is it so hard to ask that you don't interrupt my programs to show some damn race. i just want to watch kathie lee and hoda on the fourth hour of the today show.
but on a related note:
while i do find michael phelps attractive, i can't help but notice that there is something disctinctly lurch-like about his countenance.

Friday, August 22, 2008

exceptions to the rule

well yes... i did say i don't enjoy puppets v. much. but i do enjoy "labyrinth".
i know this dialogue by heart.
we all have our talents.
this is mine.


did anyone read the new york times vows section this weekend? and did anyone notice the wedding between the sesame street puppeteer and writer?
here's the thing... this wedding looks very personal, and these people look very nice (if lacking in good taste), and it's not that i hate puppets, they just make me uncomfortable. even muppets. i find them as uncomfortable making as clowns, child beauty pageant winners, and little old ladies with obvious face-lifts.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

suede likes it, but I don't

i've developed one of the most obnoxious speech habits ever. referring to myself in the third person. at first i thought it was ironic... cute even.
it came to my attention that this is just not the case in two ways. first, through the constant ridiculing by friends. second, through watching suede one "project runway". man did i feel like a jackass.
so now most of my sentences go something like this, "matth... damn. I really want to/see/go..."

Saturday, August 16, 2008

whats the point?...

of orthodox jewish women shaving their heads and then wearing really cheap wigs? is it to be more pious? closer to god? i don't think it accomplishes those things. in the end they just look like strangely conservative alopecia patients...
what if all the hair for locks of love was really going towards the orthodox jewish community. now that would be something.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

smarter and more sensitive

the best thing about going to the met is getting the little entrance tab-button-thingy.  and then wearing it all day long and lording over all who see you how cultured and sophisticated you are.  

Monday, August 11, 2008

knock it off

dear tacky tourists and poorly dressed suburbanites,
you're not fooling anyone. you wear your mile-high mall bangs, your sweatpants, your mom jeans, your cheap looking sneakers with pride. you arrive in the city like you are dressed to clean out the garage. all this leads me to hypothisize that the humungous louis vuitton bag you're carrying was just bought from a west african on the side of the street. i'm not judging you... but you're not fooling anyone.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


it's a known fact that celebrities die in threes.
i was sad when i heard about bernie mac, and was really surprised this evening when i caught news of isaac hayes' passing.
if i were rich, black and relatively well known i would be shaking in my tims.

the top 3 reasons why i hate sarah jessica parker

1. i dislike her carrie bradshaw character for obvious reasons, ie. flakiness and bad decision making. that dislike has carried over to reality.

2. on interview and chat shows she seems disingenuous with both other guests and hosts. she routinely feigns interest in whatever people are talking about to hawk her latest cheap perfume.

3. for several years now she has fooled people into thinking she is pretty. in actual fact she is not. straight men have always known this, but she has pulled the wool over the eyes of women and gays worldwide by wearing "interesting" outfits that distract.

Friday, August 8, 2008

i got me a cadillac cadillac cadillac

when i was five or six, i LOVED the color pink. loved it. couldn't get enough of it. loved it so much that i was obsessed with the pale pink cadillacs that mary kay ladies got as bonuses for making high sales.
i was convinced that when i turned sixteen my parents would get me one.

it's hot and it's monotonous

someone should think about putting airconditioning in the subway stations. scratch that, i've thought of it and it's a great idea. get on it bloomberg! start the necessery paperwork.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

it bugs me when...

people misuse adjectives. like referring to food as sexy, or a dress as delicious. not only do i not like it... but it makes me feel very very uncomfortable.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

snow white

so i've given up.
after growing up in florida, and spending a few summers in new york desperately trying to darken the tone of my skin to a malibu acceptable shade i've realized i will always be fair. my english and irish genes have specifically designed me for living in a bog and eating stewed meats. earlier this summer i even tried to use that jergens stuff... it left me smelled medicated and feeling sticky.
so now i tell myself that i'm alabaster white like nicole kidman... even though i know the color of my skin more closely resembles the sickly mottled pink of a pounded chicken breast.

Monday, August 4, 2008

american teen

have you seen this documentary? if you haven't, i recommend it. basically its a documentary that humanizes the different high school stereotypes... and it was good. i found all the characters to be highly likeable and i understood their reasons for doing the shit they did... except for one. the popular girl.
not to be cold or unforgiving; but the fact that your retarded sister killed herself in the basement two years ago isn't a valid reason for being a nasty bitch.
... see the movie.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

dirty pussy

about a year ago i moved into an apartment that had a cat living in it. i had two cats when i was really little and i thought i liked them.
i imagine myself an animal lover. i was sure it would only take a few whistles and a coo to have this cat trained to do my bidding. he would be like a dog, fetching the paper, my slippers... an all around quality companion.
in the end i realized he was like a dog. a dog with rabies, constantly trying to bite and scratch the literal hands that fed him. mr. t, an apt name for such a surly tempered animal, was the most fickle of creatures i've ever met. he enjoyed being pet... until he'd had enough, and then to let you know he would bite you. hard. and not let go.
after an unfortunate turn of events there was nothing left to do but to find another home for mr. t. right now he's being taken care of by some lovely cat ladies, but i'm thinking he will find a new owner fast. and whoever this person is they will need two things, a cat door so he can get outside, and a thick skin... literally you will need a thick skin. his teeth are sharp.
here's to mr. t, the original frenemy.