Tuesday, September 30, 2008

shave and a haircut. two bits.

i hate getting my haircut. i hate the intimacy with a stranger, the forced conversation, the feeling of hair sticking to your neck and forehead.
i don't really like to have long drawn out talks with hairdressers. i let them know what i want, we discuss the cut... but after that when they ask me what i do or how my summer was, it takes everything in me not to respond with, "please don't address me until it's time to ask me how i like my hair."
i got a dreadful haircut this morning... long story short i wanted it thinned out. when i asked the stylist to clean up my sideburns he buzzed them down to almost nothing. which upset me to no end. when i got home and looked it the mirror i saw that my hair had been thinned so much that you could see large pieces of my scalp from many angles. combined with my supremely short sideburns it looked like i had down syndrome and was going through a course of chemotherapy. it was definitely "a very special episode" of "life goes on".
i'm back to having a buzz cut. it was my only option.

Friday, September 26, 2008

gay face...

is the worst. ironically there is nothing more off-putting and unsexy to this gay man, than a bad case of gay face. gay face is an effect brought on by numerous causes including overly plucked eyebrows, a tightly pursed mouth, distinctly surprised expressions, and too much bronzer... yeah. that's pretty much all i have today. a pointless and kind of petty complaint.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

it's not sexist to think a woman is stupid when they are actually stupid. very, very, very stupid.

when i was in the eighth grade, i was assigned a project on an aspect of the lives of colonial settlers. i chose the salem witch trials. one day when i was doing research on a teacher's computer, the substitute came up behind me and read what i was looking at. she then gravely warned me about the dangers of witches and the very likely possibility that black magic could be cast against me.
i don't know what's more worrisome... the fact that the florida school system has teachers who believe in witchcraft, or that someone who believes in witchcraft could possibly be the vice-president. seriously witchcraft. it's sad and hilarious... but mostly sad.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


...on so many levels.

yet oh so enjoyable.

Monday, September 22, 2008

sunset boulevard

the worst thing about having studied theatre and now not working (or wanting to work at all) in the field, is when people find out what you went to school for.
"but you don't audition? how could you give up your dreams? you must have not really wanted it!"
why don't people say these things to the kids who wanted to be firemen or astronauts... yes i know most people don't get all the way through astronaut school and then decide... but still.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

kind of like tyra banks...

a while back we had a conversation about unfortunate wigs worn by hasidic women. i've done some thinking... and here's the thing. if you've seen a good wig, then you haven't really. because good wigs should go unseen. just like facelifts and transexuals.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

i understand...

this kid. i understand this kid's need for attention.

in the third grade (which coincidentally is much to old for the following to happen) i decided i should get up as mrs. alexander was teaching the class and sing "yankee doodle dandee" all the while doing a soft shoe or sorts.
and yet she never stopped me. she let me sing all the way through. i finished, sat down, and listened to mrs. alexander finish up assigning us projects to build dioramas.

Monday, September 8, 2008

don't you think it's annoying when...

you're having a political discussion/argument with someone and they keep telling you how much fun they're having.
it's not that much fun.
you don't agree with me.
and your opinion is wrong.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

3 reasons i'm happy that summer will be over soon

1. the european tourists will all go home.
2. the fact that showering before going anywhere involving being outside or riding the subway will not be pointless.
3. regular programing will return to television.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

open mouth. insert foot.

so the other day my friend jermaine and i went on an adventure. we people watched as we walked through the streets of the upper west side and commented on everyone we saw.
we passed two young women sitting outside a cafe.
i say in a voice definitely loud enough for them to hear, "and where do these girls thinking are going? 1987? and who does she think is? laura bell bundy wanna-be!"
jermaine is silent at first, "matt, that is laura bell bundy."

Friday, September 5, 2008

in the spirit of shannen doherty

so today (even though it goes against my better nature) i practiced giving underhanded compliments as well as just being passive aggressive in general. some highlights included:
1. "well you certainly dressed for comfort today!"
2. pretending not to remember someone annoying that i had previously met.
3. telling people that they're more fun when drunk.
4. purposefully arriving late and then saying, "oh! i hope i didn't keep you waiting long!"
it sounds obnoxious. but as my grandpa harold used to say, "try it you might like it."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

if you look closely you can see her nipple

this evening i volunteered at a fashion show. i was an usher, helping people to their seats, handing out programs, blah blah blah. before it started, i decided i should probably know where the restrooms were so i could direct people to them.
as i walked through the hallway bumped into a familiar looking woman.
i asked in an awkwardly loud voice, "WHERE ARE THE TOILETS?"
it was only then that i realized i had asked shannen doherty. who was inexplicably the host of the event.
she looked at me and said, "read the signs."
then turned to her friend and said, "the pretty ones always look so lost."
YES! all is right with the world. shannen doherty has proven all rumors true; she is a bitch. and i got a compliment. she thinks i'm stupid. but she thinks i'm pretty. pretty trumps stupid.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

wouldn't it be loverly

this morning at work i received a call from a woman of the cockney persuasion inquiring about throwing a private party.
after i went over the menu i told her the price.
she was aghast and yelled, "oh no we couldn't possibly, they're all just a bunch of theatricals!"
i was particularly amazed because i have never, try as i might been able to work "theatricals" into everyday conversation.
her next tactic was to offer shine shoes and chimney sweeps in exchange for a better rate.

Monday, September 1, 2008

realness and throwing shade

so "the hills" is back on tv with a new season. i'm not really sure what i feel about the show as a whole. i suspect i like... but i haven't really figured it out yet.
but from what i gather i might be the only person in the world who likes heidi montag more than lauren conrad.
i find something v. earnest about heidi's strangely manufactured image vs. lauren conrad's passive aggressive behavior.

please sir, can i have some more?

among the many groups of people i dislike are the young and optimistic ones who stand on the sidewalk and try to get you to sign petitions/give money/donate time to their charity. the charity always involves either children, the environment, or gay rights... or a combination of all three.
the scenario ultimately begins with some poorly-paid do-gooder standing in your way and desperately trying to make eye contact with you.
they then say, "hi! do you have a minute for children/the environment/gay rights?"
i respond with, "i hate children/the environment/gays."