Wednesday, October 29, 2008

she liked to kick and stretch

on the subway home from work this evening i was attacked by a crazy woman. she got on the f train at west 4th, and as she ate hot dog buns from a plastic bag and mumbled to god she lightly (but trust me... it was full of menace) grazed her toe with mine. i gave her a dirty look and she walked away and continued stuffing the buns in her mouth. right before we got to broadway-lafayette her gruntings got louder and she started to make her way towards me. she raised her leg to give me a hard kick, but i screamed and she ran away. not a single person on the train batted an eye.
it's shit like this that makes me love and hate new york.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

very very agitated.

i've said it before, but it bears repeating... i deal with A LOT of crotchety old jewish ladies. for sometime now i've suspected that as i age i might by some magic turn into one. some of their speech patterns i find amusing in an ironic way, but after months of mocking them some of them have naturally creeped into my vernacular.
so now i say "vary" instead of very. and i say it twice, so things are "vary, vary haaarible."
i was appalled the other day when i was talking to my friend jermaine who is in china and the the connection was bad. i was stuck with a 30 second playback that made it sound like linda richman was playing that annoying game where someone repeats everything you say. except it was me. it was my voice. i have a lot of thinking to do.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

something i don't hate

i can't get enough of this shit. seriously.
the other day i was working the door at the restaurant, and couldn't resist doing a little part of the dance. an old man walked in and caught me unawares... i was so embarrassed i gave him a table right away.
it's just soooooo enjoyable. on soooooo many levels.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

today was really dreadful at work

so on the way home i listened to the entire soundtrack of "the sound of music". there is something really soothing about nuns, a nanny, and some-sort-of-orphans singing. after listening to it i had almost forgotten being yelled at by a hawaiian-shirted assortment of bridge-and-tunnelers going to see "jersey boys".

Monday, October 13, 2008

known variously as esther, or madge

the other night i got to go see madonna in concert. i totally enjoyed the show... but as always, i do have some complaints... that's how i do.

1. madonna stop playing guitar. nobody wants to see that, get back to dancing. that's what i paid for.
2. stop lying about your plastic surgery. i could see that work from my seat up in the stands. also the jumbo-tron helped.
3. i understand that you're rather proud of those arms. but i think sleeves would work quite nicely for you.

i do have to give you some props, not many performers can dedicate a song from "evita" to their daughter and then only moments later call the entire audience "pussy motherfuckers".

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

though i rarely give a dollar

there's something about street musicians and buskers that when i walk past them i can't help but feel as if i'm the star of a movie and that they are the soundtrack, or that it's the begining credits of some sit-com based on my stand-up comedy stylings.
except when it's the peruvian pan pipe man, or a dreadlocked lesbian with a guitar.

Monday, October 6, 2008

get crackin'

now that it's october i'm going to have to start thinking about a halloween costume. i can wear one to the restaurant, but i haven't decided if it will be more embarrassing to wear a costume or to have someone think that my regular clothes are a costume.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

something to be discovered, not announced

i have to deal with a lot of offensive perfumes. i work in a restaurant where our main clientele are old ladies going to lunch before the matinee. they all wear shalimar or something with elizabeth taylor's name stamped on it. but funny enough the worst smelling cologne of all-time is one not worn my many old ladies.
everytime i pass someone on the street and smell it i want to die.
my friend jeremy recently told me about a bar he used to go to where if someone came in wearing patchouli they would get kicked out and never allowed back in. ever.
i'm still not one hundred percent on how they enforced this... but i'm thinking about setting up a similar rule to govern my life.