i never liked 'em, and i never will

thank god the olympics are over! i have always hated sports. always. ever since i was small and my parents forced me to play soccer by bribing me with "my little ponies". and consequently i have always hated the olympics.
forget the whole world coming together for two weeks. it's two weeks of nothing on television but sports.
hell already has a channel, and it's called espn. so really nbc? is it so hard to ask that you don't interrupt my programs to show some damn race. i just want to watch kathie lee and hoda on the fourth hour of the today show.
but on a related note:
while i do find michael phelps attractive, i can't help but notice that there is something disctinctly lurch-like about his countenance.

exceptions to the rule

well yes... i did say i don't enjoy puppets v. much. but i do enjoy "labyrinth".
i know this dialogue by heart.
we all have our talents.
this is mine.

puppets

did anyone read the new york times vows section this weekend? and did anyone notice the wedding between the sesame street puppeteer and writer?
here's the thing... this wedding looks very personal, and these people look very nice (if lacking in good taste), and it's not that i hate puppets, they just make me uncomfortable. even muppets. i find them as uncomfortable making as clowns, child beauty pageant winners, and little old ladies with obvious face-lifts.

suede likes it, but I don't

i've developed one of the most obnoxious speech habits ever. referring to myself in the third person. at first i thought it was ironic... cute even.
it came to my attention that this is just not the case in two ways. first, through the constant ridiculing by friends. second, through watching suede one "project runway". man did i feel like a jackass.
so now most of my sentences go something like this, "matth... damn. I really want to/see/go..."

whats the point?...

of orthodox jewish women shaving their heads and then wearing really cheap wigs? is it to be more pious? closer to god? i don't think it accomplishes those things. in the end they just look like strangely conservative alopecia patients...
what if all the hair for locks of love was really going towards the orthodox jewish community. now that would be something.

smarter and more sensitive

the best thing about going to the met is getting the little entrance tab-button-thingy.  and then wearing it all day long and lording over all who see you how cultured and sophisticated you are.  

knock it off

dear tacky tourists and poorly dressed suburbanites,
you're not fooling anyone. you wear your mile-high mall bangs, your sweatpants, your mom jeans, your cheap looking sneakers with pride. you arrive in the city like you are dressed to clean out the garage. all this leads me to hypothisize that the humungous louis vuitton bag you're carrying was just bought from a west african on the side of the street. i'm not judging you... but you're not fooling anyone.
sincerely,
m