snap judgement

i'm back. again.

2010-10-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

britney's back bitches!
so my updating has been raaawther splotchy over that last year or so. infact if you go back three or four posts, you will see a drunken promise to run the new york city marathon.
next sunday, november 7th, i will in fact be running. running seems a bit arrogant though... it's so exclusionary of the walking i might be doing. i like the word participating a bit more.

and a short series of updates.
i cut off my hair once i realized it wasn't quite as attractive as i had imagined. don't get me wrong i have nice hair... but there is something about having shaggy hair and a body on the pudgier side of awkward that gets you mistaken as a women from the rear by french tourists. true story.

i quit my job, got a new job, and then decided i wanted my old job back. and sort of got it back. more on that later.

so to be concise.
1. running the marathon.
2. lost a bit of weight training for said marathon.
3. grew my hair out really long to then realize i didn't like it that much and short hair is ultimately more comfortable and flattering.
4. quit my job.
5. got a new job.
6. quit that job.
7. got my old job back.

my parents are really proud of me.

asian?

2010-05-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

i know that the amount of readers this blog gets is barely out of the single digits, but for some reason all of my comments are in some asian script. whaaat? i'm going to start telling people i'm big in japan.

wednesday matinees

2010-05-13T09:44:00.001-07:00

the ladies who come to the restaurant for an unlimited pasta lunch before going to see the jersey boys make me realize why women have been subjugated for thousands of years.

i have a hard time keeping what i'm thinking off of my face

2010-05-11T20:16:00.001-07:00

which is why i get a lot of homeless people telling me to smile. when i'm having a bad day it's SO difficult to keep a smile going. i'm going to start telling people that i have bell's palsy when they ask what's wrong.

and i'm back, hopefully i'll stick with it

2010-05-06T10:32:00.001-07:00

i forgot about you. well not really. i kept thinking i should write something and post it... and then i would get really drunk, or take a walk, or go to dinner, or fall asleep, or watch some dreadful on the television... or any combination of the above and completely forget my task.
i could give excuses; like the battery on my computer died two months ago and i've been much too lazy/busy/apathetic to go get a new one, or that my phone is just too small to do any real typing on, or that nothing truly interesting has been happening in the last five months. but i think people only like excuses when they are excusing themselves. i have to go to the toilet.

happy new year and more about my hair

2010-01-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

it's 2010 and i'm still trying to become a long hair. i had it cut yesterday, or "shaped" as my mother would say. and i'm not gonna lie... it's looking great. but that comparatively... it had been so long since i'd been to the hairdresser that i had a lot of feathery hair going on and was not far from looking like an early kristy mcnicol.

now, according to the czech coat check, i look "like elvis pressley... not in bad way".

afterwards i got drunk and said i'll run it next year.

2009-11-05T07:35:00.001-08:00

i watched the marathon this weekend with some friends in long island city. i was really surprised at how much fun i had shouting encouragement to all the runners. who knew that being nice to strangers was so rewarding? lots of the runners wrote their names on their shirts so you could call out to specific people.
"GO CAROLYNE!" i yell.
carolyne turns her head while running and replies, "it's caroline... but thank you anyways."

and that really irks me.
first of all, just say thank you or ignore me completely.
second, if you want people to call you caroline don't spell your name with a "y".

i was recently reading...

2009-10-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

some blog, and i came across this.

There’s a moment upon entering an elevator where your life is revealed to you.

It begins when your elevator begins to descend. You either silently hope that no one else gets on, or you welcome the chaos of a new person. When someone does actually enter, you have one of two reactions: you are welcoming them into your home, or they are a German soldier and you are French. This moment is a reasonable barometer of your life.

and i thought, "oh my god! thats me! i'm the french, i hate riding elevators with people i'm closing off my life to others and i will always be alone!"
and i was kind of depressed about this all day.
and then i thought, "wait a minute. that's bullshit. you can't just make up some pithy statement about elevators; that they're a judgement about your life and that you are either open to possibilities or shut to the world."
it's not that easy. yes i should be more open to people and life... but that's a bad analogy and life isn't black or white... also after reading over that quote a second time i've decided it's poorly written.

on my way to san francisco

2009-08-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

i took my vacation in san francisco this past week, visiting my friend amy and my brother luke. in the spirit of adventure (and my budget) i took the subway to the airport.
as i was getting off the train and lugging my suitcase to the air-tran a very nice latina women asked me where i was going. when i told her i was headed to san francisco she replied in a very friendly manner, "oh! you a homo! i thought going to the beach to put your feet in the water!"

i'm kind of embarrassed to say this outloud

2009-08-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

...but i'm addicted to the books that "trueblood" is based on, the sookie stackhouse series by charlaine harris. now don't get me wrong... i very much enjoy them (it's a series of nine so far and i'm on the ninth book... i started the first about two months ago)but there are some things about them that make me cringe and hide the cover when reading on the subway.
the main character is a 25 year old woman, but it's very clear and uncomfortable that the writer is a fat old white lady because of the following reasons.
1. the way she describes the young characters clothing... LOTS of pantsuits, slacks, shells, and hose... kneehighs. none of these things would be worn by someone who is 25.
2. the descriptions of attractive men... listen, i find big broad shouldered men attractive to... but the way she writes it feels like she's a step away from just saying he looked like patrick swayze or mel gibson.
3. the sex scenes. are kind of graphic. and whenever i get to a particularly juicy one i can't help but flip to the back and look at the picture on the jacket...

and think she wrote this.

this all came to a head when my friend gina was over the other day and picked up one the books i'd left laying around. after reading the synopsis and she embarassingly asked what "panther brethren" were.
"a community of werepanthers", i answered... and then caught myself at how silly it sounded. but seriously they are really enjoyable.

but when you think about it, it is kind of true

2009-07-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

the other morning i got coffee from a different shop than my usual. not surprisingly there was one of your run of the mill new york crazies inside. he was about 50 and wearing dirty sweatpants with a sensible amount of gold jewelry. it looked like he had finished his coffee hours earlier, but decided to stick around to hand out delightful bon mots and advice to the ladies who worked there.
"you women", he says at the top of his lungs. "you women, spending so much money. spending all your money on makeup and tampons."
"that's right", responds the lady at the counter. "but, we do it all for you men."

best new game ever

2009-07-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

so i'm pretty sure that after the naming of her twin girls everybody knows that sarah jessica parker is not just kooky when it comes to fashion.
marion loretta elwell and tabitha hodge are quite possibly the worst names ever given. they are definately names to grow into... i'm sure by the time they reach 65 they will finally feel comfortable with them. my friend marica and were joking around and she said, "she might as well have named them burlap and pickn'save".
i was telling this to my roommate jermaine and we just kept the ball rolling to invent my new favorite game, called "hi, i'm sarah jessica parker."

instructions:

step 1.
say "hi, i'm sarah jessica parker. have you met my new babies?"

step 2.
insert two ridiculous and hideous baby names/objects that would be owned by old women. to give you some inspiration here are some of our best... shoestring and straw hat, fried chicken and church clothes, price is right and chin hair.

i for one would sooner name a child toothpick before loretta... even if it is just a middle name.

as of late...

2009-06-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

i've been obsessed with two things that come out of bodies.

1. poop. but more specifically its regularity within my system.
2. babies. and how cute they are. i probably think about babies about as much as martha stewart's daughter does... and that's a lot.

also, i've been making lot's of list with just two items... which isn't really a list, it's kind of just two things.

the other day...

2009-06-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

while in duane reade i followed this guy around. and i've been thinking about it alot... probably more than i should.

I first started following him because i heard his english accent. and then it was because i saw that he had running shorts and nice legs. but i kept up following because he was speaking really loudly and his conversation was a bit too intimate to having in the snack food aisle.

long story short.
he's just moved here from london with his girlfriend/wife on her prompting. and he's not liking the change. he HATES his new apartment. (too dark and the kitchen's too small)... get used to it i say, it's the east village.
and then here's the kicker. as i follow him to the checkout he says, "is it the best decision we've ever made? no. it's not screaming in my face that it is". isn't that a really horrible and great thing to say all at once.

so many things.
who was he talking to? do you think his old lady knew how he really felt?

so really just two questions.

when on the subway one should not...

2009-06-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

1. eat curry.
2. smell like urine.

we've been over this new york... why do you constantly disappoint? let's get it together.

new passive aggressive activity that passes time

2009-06-17T19:04:00.001-07:00

i'm growing out my hair right now. and it's become one of my favorite topics of conversation... much to the annoyance of everyone else. two of my favorite talking points.

1. i've stopped using shampoo. truly i have. i just wash thoroughly with hot water and then use a little product. i enjoy telling people this because it's kind of gross and fascinating. now i'm like one of those people that stops wearing deodorant and starts using crystals.

2. i like complaining about my hair and how it's too wild and too big. i especially like telling this to my friends who are balding. for emphasis say it in a voice that says, "boy are you lucky."

open mouth, insert foot

2009-06-15T07:52:00.001-07:00

if there's one thing i'm good at it's people watching. if there's a second thing i'm good at, it's making snide comments regarding the people i'm watching. and if there is a third thing i'm good at it's sticking my foot in my mouth.
while out to dinner on friday night with my roommate jermaine and some friends of his, i noticed a man a chinstrap beard.
(while i do enjoy facial hair... i'm not a fan of novelty beards, moustaches, or sideburns.)
as i was quipping that chinstrap beards are for fat people who want to give the world the illusion that they do infact own a chin and or jawline, i realized that jermaine's good friend was also an owner of the afformentioned whiskers.
i stopped midsentance, looked around, and decided that i needed another beer... he pretended not to notice.

more about the homeless

2009-04-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

this morning a homeless guy was begging on the subway.
"anyone spare a quarter? anyone spare some change? i am truly amazing. been off of drugs and drink for a year. truly amazing."
i doubt that he is truly amazing... the man selling batteries? now that is truly amazing.

too much

2009-04-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

this evening after a fun night out, i shared a cab home with my friend juliet... who had made a really tasty cucumber prosecco drink... and enjoyed a few of them.
she asked, "did i make a fool of myself? i think i was too drunk. i am too drunk. are you sure i didn't make a fool of myself. i think i did."
we replied, "oh no, julie you were fine. eveyone had a good time and had a lot to drink."
the cabdriver says, "yes. you are making a fool of yourself."
"thank you, marzak." says juliet, reading his cabbie license. "thank you for telling the truth.

homeless people talk to me a lot

2009-04-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

yesterday morning i rolled out of bed early and ran out to do some errands. the first person i saw was a homeless man.
it's a scientific fact that homeless/crazy people are preternaturally drawn to speaking to me. normally i pretend that they're not there and hold my breath until they pass.
didn't work this time. as soon as he sees me he says, "hey son, pick up your head. it's not that bad! you sexy!"

getting skinny and calmer

2009-03-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

i wanted to do something that pushed me out of my comfort zone, so about 2 weeks ago i signed up to do the 30 bikram challenge. bikram yoga is the one where you do it in a room heated up to 105 degrees.
i imagine with the heat it's exactly like doing yoga in india. but without getting dysentery.

am i the only one...

2009-03-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

that feels discontent at other peoples success? a lot of discontent. i'm pretty sure more than most people.
even when it's people i don't really know, acquaintances i would only nod to on the street, young famous people, young famous people who win critical acclaim and appear on awards shows.

no she's not

2009-02-26T20:14:00.000-08:00

funniest thing ever.

because i'm neurotic... and i could possibly smell bad.

2009-02-24T20:54:00.001-08:00

i had a match.com date tonight scheduled for 10:15 after i got out of work. i arrived a little early, and waited. and played on my phone. and waited. and then it was 10:40. and my phone died. and i decided to leave because the waiting had made me feel anxious, and i started to think maybe he wasn't coming.
i wonder whether i was stood up, or maybe he came after i left and i stood him up.
on the way to the subway, a homeless woman asked me for money. after i ignored her she followed me for two blocks muttering, "you stank, you stank".

overheard at work

2009-02-21T11:34:00.000-08:00

"and i remember that was the year women first wore pants," said a little old lady sitting on table 87.

inspired by amy's a few weeks back... a college story

2009-02-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

when i was a freshman in college, i took a required class called "singing for actors". this was taught by a woman named claudia, who in addition to teaching our music class was a pyscho-analist. she was a sharp tongued women with a hairstyle akin to jay leno's, she'd recently dropped a few lb's due to a strong commitment to weight watcher's meetings.
she was full of pearls of wisdom like, "always wear black and a splash of colour." claudia mainly lived in new york, but took the train into boston to teach for a few days each week. i imagined new york to be a city full of people wearing black suits, black turtlenecks, black jeans... all with a red scarf, a green shoe, or a fluorescent pink undershirt peeking through.
the class would begin with a group warm-up and then move onto everyone singing solo in front of the class. each solo would end with a critique from claudia... often with an insult. either outright or veiled.
once a friend sang "razzle dazzle" from "chicago". before he was even finished she made a big hit-the-road-jack gesture and said, "well you didn't razzle dazzle me, sit down!" another time a friend had to leave class early for a doctor's appointment. "good bye amy, i hate you," she said.
it seemed horrific at the time, but thinking about it now she was basically a comic genius.

some commercials i really like

2009-02-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

my favorite part is that his eye falls off...
at work i can't stop sneaking up beside people and whispering, "you can call me nanerpuss" in their ear.

and for some strange reason i find this commercial strangely compelling... it must be all the twirling colours... but also i like estelle's voice.
sidenote: i really love her "american boy" video. mostly because kanye west wears this really awesome fur coat in it.

go go my gentle scorpio

2009-02-16T07:15:00.000-08:00

i love when people give their zodiac sign as a valid excuse or reason for doing something... "well i'm a leo, so you know..."

more about me and my birthday, and some complaining

2009-02-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

when you're a smaller than average boy growing up in florida during the early '90's, chances are that you enjoy having your birthday fall on valentines day.
it's a minor holiday, and doesn't attract too much attention away from you. instead you get exclamations of how cute you are, "you are just like a little cupid." as a theatrical child in need of approval, this satisfies.
as an adult most of the comments come from either a. ladies working at the dmv, b. ladies working at the liquor store, c. ladies who love astrology, or d. any combination of the above. it's not quite as amusing.

just like in a movie.

2009-02-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

i was going down the stairs to the subway this morning, when a woman who was coming up turned to me and said:

"matthew, there is a gift for you. i don't know what it is."

and then she kept walking. i was so startled i didn't do anything... but i'm pretty sure something awesome is going to happen today... either that or she was talking on a bluetooth?

i'm turning 27 soon

2009-02-10T21:34:00.001-08:00

remember when you were little, and you would take those mini-ritz-peanut-butter-sandwich-thingies and dip them in chocolate with your grandma marge, and you would lay them on wax paper to dry, and you called them home-made-candies?
and you asked grandma marge how old she was, and she said 29.
and you knew she was joking... but it still seemed very very old.
doesn't seem so old anymore.

so i deal a lot with assholes

2009-02-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

...and i have a hard time not shooting it back at them. when an old woman shakes a finger in my face, i have no fear in shaking mine back in hers. when a guest at the door tells me that the concierge at the ritz carlton made them a reservation, i have no problem in calling him out as a liar... especially if there is a crowd, and especially if you can see the wife is embarrassed about what an asshole her husband is.
yesterday i got called over to a table so this guy could complain that we only had "sweet n' low" for his coffee. when i pointed out the sugar, he replied in a loud voice that i had just insulted him because he is diabetic. i wanted to ask him how that tiramisu was... but i didn't, instead i apologized. he then told me that "sweet 'n low" was cheap and asked if i wanted to appear cheap.
"i never appear cheap," i tell him and walk away.
he was dining alone.

sometimes i feel just like angelina jolie

2009-02-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

...in that i really want a baby. right now. i also want a jamaican nanny.
in other news, i'm learning to knit and made a baby hat for my friend glenna's soon to arrive baby. i'm not gonna lie, i'm very talented.

r.i.p.

2009-02-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

how wonderful is this video? i used to see this guy all the time and he cracked me up. he's so very dick van dyke-oliver twist.

also i'm jealous of his outfit.

it's known that i'm a people watcher

2009-01-20T20:47:00.000-08:00

...and by people watching, i mean i will stare a stranger down... to the death.
this morning on my way to work, i was particularly fascinated by this smart-jewishy-looking guy who was wearing MIT sweatpants and consistently twitching in a tourette's kind of way.
suddenly the train stopped between stations.
oh shit. i'm going to be late for work.
i imagined being stuck here on the subway.
and not being able to get out.
until the autistic-math-genius-twitcher used his algebraic-savant-skills and came up with an unlikely, but successful escape plan.
i felt better about being on the train.
then it started moving and i was only 5 minutes late to work this morning.

for someone who is so fastidious about dress

2009-01-12T07:44:00.000-08:00

... i'm rather messy about about keeping my spaces neat and tidy. i would like to say that i'm only messy, not dirty, not leaving used plates on tabletops or in the sink for days on end... but that wouldn't be true.
i recently had over a friend who had never been to my apartment before.
"why is there a robot lying on the floor?"
"oh that's not a robot", i told him. "that's a fan... that broke... and fell over. sometime between thanksgiving and christmas. i just haven't gotten around to picking it up and throwing it away."
i think that's one of the reasons that i don't like christmas decorations. if i had put them up, they would still be up by march.

this is a little belated

2009-01-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

for chistmas i had dinner with my little brother at my friend juliet's apartment. also there were her sister and her mother.
her mom was, as they say "a hoot". we were discussing the most important and relevant current events, when the subject of angelina jolie came up.
"well as far as i'm concerned all of their children are illegitimate." said mrs. totten with a straight face.

mickey rourke

2009-01-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

... is kind of nutjob. and that's an understatement. i mean first he was hot with 9 1/2 weeks, and then he was hot with all that boxing stuff. then he was not hot with all the boxing injuries, and then he was not hot with that bad face lift.
now he dresses like if william shatner was a clown... and carried an elderly chihuahua with him.
but i do want to see the wrestler.

one of the things i do like

2009-01-03T19:59:00.001-08:00

... is "everybody loves raymond". i'm probably one of the only "young people" in the world that actually likes this show. everything about it is enjoyable to me except for the fact that in real life patricia heaton is a republican.
she voted for mccain.
like my dad.
i guess next time i see her i'll just have to avoid that as a topic of conversation.

i am job

2008-12-26T19:46:00.000-08:00

today i got this email through match.com

Hi. How are you?
I think we can talk about lots things and do the people watch thing.
Would you like to get a cup of coffee?

I am Dennis.

... it kind of reminds me of that scene from "mrs. doubtfire", where robin williams calls sally field and pretends to be crazy people applying to nanny their children.

earworm

2008-12-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

i've had this stuck in my head for days now. so in the christmas spirit i'm sharing it with all of you, my faithful readers.

do yourself a favor and go watch the video on youtube, it wouldn't let me embed it.

i went to a holiday party last night

2008-12-21T06:11:00.000-08:00

where i spilled my drink on a stranger. i did the right thing and introduced myself with, "hi, i'm matt. i just spilled my drink on you." it didn't go over as well as i thought it would.
wounded from her dirty look, i spent the next 15 minutes making fun of her outfit... it was very 1998.

remember, oh i don't know fifteen years ago, when meeting people on the internet was wierd and creepy and often a subject for the maury povich show?

2008-12-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

so after a few good bouts of procrastination and some encouragement from friends i joined match.com.
anywho it led me to tonight's date. he's the second man i've met through the site; and while the date i had last night went swimmingly, this one didn't.

reason #1.
he thought it would be nice to be a muslim woman living in the middle east. that whole freedom from choice thing is apparently enticing to some?

reason #2.
he was a vegetarian. but i'm suspicious that he's really a vegan. also when i asked him if he had any moral reason why he abstained from meat, he told me it was mostly a "control issue". control issue. it sounds so smug.

reason #3.
and i couldn't stop thinking about it the entire time we drank our coffee and ate a small chocolate cake. i met him in the virgin mega-store, where he bought a shania twain cd.

addendum. he also used the word "sexy" as a noun and an adjective.

nude models strip to protest low pay...

2008-12-16T06:40:00.000-08:00

doesn't that seem a little backwards. you're protesting by giving them what they want.

location, location, location

2008-12-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

last night i dreamed i got a tattoo of a green rose. this morning i thought it was funny and i that i should write it up. i did a google search of "green rose tattoo". surprisingly someone has such a tattoo.

mine was on my forearm, which is not quite as elegant as this young lady's placement.

things i learn from busboys

2008-12-14T05:37:00.001-08:00

since i've been working in a restaurant, i've picked up the strange habit of calling everyone "papi" and "mami".
it probably sounds incredibly inauthentic coming from my mouth.
perhaps even a little "bobo".

a long and not very interesting story demonstrating my stupidity

2008-12-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

im taking this drafting class, and its involves a lot of materials. a lot more than i initially anticipated, but thats neither here nor there.
one of the tools i needed was this ruler that you attach to your drawing board so its parallel and all your drawings are perfect and beautiful.
i'd never seen one of these contraptions before, so i took me a WHILE to figure out that mine was broken and maybe missing pieces. after waiting in dick blick for an hour and a half (also i had thrown away the receipt) i finally got the manager to give me an even exchange.
but they didn't have another in the size i needed, so they would order it and call me when it arrived.

so i wait a week, hear nothing, and then call the art store to see whats going on.

surprise surprise they know nothing about what happened and i spent a good 45 minutes telling the manager my story and describing who helped me, a big black girl with tattoos, a little white girl who was in charge of inventory.
he replied little white girls weren't incharge of anything here.
anywho long story short he agreed to accept my return without a receipt and all i needed to do was come in.

i walked to dick blick, realizing when i walked in the door i had called utrecht.

has anyone seen

2008-12-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

...the new airborne commercial with the woman who invented the stuff? and she's talking about how she sold her company and then didn't like how it was being run so she bought it back. it all comes across as if she is incredibly angry and is barely keeping control of herself.
then she finishes with a thank you to everyone who buys airborne... but it feels more like a warning. like, "if you don't keep buying it, you can't imagine what i will do to your family".

and he's mean

2008-11-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

remember when michael jackson called tommy mottola "very, very, very devilish"? i love that he used "very" three times in addition to the word "devilish" and still wanted his claims of racism to to be taken seriously.
i mean he's michael jackson.

a word of advice

2008-11-29T19:55:00.000-08:00

today i was told by one of our bar regulars (and this is in all honesty from me, and was in all sincerity from him) that i need to stop raising my eyebrows and making certain facial expressions because he warns i will develop ugly wrinkles prematurely aging my young face.
and i mean i guess this is true; my forehead will eventually wrinkle. but on the otherhand, i do get a lot of strangers telling me to smile more... the homeless in particular, they especially love telling me to smile.

i had a sex dream

2008-11-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

...about my roommate gina. in my dream we were dating. it was working out pretty awesomely, we had a lot of fun together and we kept our own bedrooms. but every couple of days we knew we had to meet in the living room to do the deed. it was really uncomfortable and we wouldn't look at each other.
i woke up disoriented.

every day

2008-11-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

...i have to walk through times square twice to get to and from work. times square sucks for a number of reasons, but number one has got to be(and this is by a long shot) the tourists. the obnoxious european tourists of the summer have disappeared, but now that its almost thanksgiving they've been usurped by fat american tourists.
fat american tourists who talk loudly in flat screetchy accents while they stop in the middle of the sidewalk holding hands five-abreast so that one of them can buy a fake louis vuitton.

the error of my ways

2008-11-20T19:07:00.000-08:00

i was invited to attend the out awards by my friend kristen. i had worked that night (it was a long one... a lot of difficult tables) and she met me at the restaurant for a drink before. when we got to the party there was a super long line just to get your name checked on the list.
ooops are names weren't on the list. we went to the end of another long line to try and talk to the door person...

flash back: early that night i had a man at an incomplete table wave me over and then tell me (in a disagreeable voice) they couldn't find there waiter. my reasons for not helping them? 1. he was right next to the table. 2. i didn't like the look on his face or the sound of his voice. so instead of taking their order i told them the server would help them soon.

back at the door: you probably see this coming, but the door person is that man. we leave after we see him.

i'm thinking about being nicer at work.

a couple of months ago

2008-11-19T07:16:00.000-08:00

...i was feeling nostalgic and emailed an old boyfriend of mine. after a nice note back, i responded and invited him out for a drink or coffee.
never heard anything back.
until a couple of weeks later when i received a mass email with some inspirational quotes urging me to see a very serious documentary about some very sad poor people. and they keep coming.
i already hate mass emails (whether containing bad jokes or political commentary), but these are worse.

for the last 15 minutes...

2008-11-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

there has been a homeless man standing outside my window. everytime a woman walks by he yells, "hey! hey! you know me! i'm brian gumble!"

overheard on 110th and lenox

2008-11-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

while waiting in line at a bodega.

guy on phone: oh baby, oh baby, that don't mean nothin'! i was drunk on nyquil! that don't mean nothing.

he then ordered two nyquil gel tabs from the clerk.

oh happy day

2008-11-04T19:02:00.000-08:00

how great that obama will be the president? it's just like morgan freeman in "deep impact".

she liked to kick and stretch

2008-10-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

on the subway home from work this evening i was attacked by a crazy woman. she got on the f train at west 4th, and as she ate hot dog buns from a plastic bag and mumbled to god she lightly (but trust me... it was full of menace) grazed her toe with mine. i gave her a dirty look and she walked away and continued stuffing the buns in her mouth. right before we got to broadway-lafayette her gruntings got louder and she started to make her way towards me. she raised her leg to give me a hard kick, but i screamed and she ran away. not a single person on the train batted an eye.
it's shit like this that makes me love and hate new york.

very very agitated.

2008-10-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

i've said it before, but it bears repeating... i deal with A LOT of crotchety old jewish ladies. for sometime now i've suspected that as i age i might by some magic turn into one. some of their speech patterns i find amusing in an ironic way, but after months of mocking them some of them have naturally creeped into my vernacular.
so now i say "vary" instead of very. and i say it twice, so things are "vary, vary haaarible."
i was appalled the other day when i was talking to my friend jermaine who is in china and the the connection was bad. i was stuck with a 30 second playback that made it sound like linda richman was playing that annoying game where someone repeats everything you say. except it was me. it was my voice. i have a lot of thinking to do.

something i don't hate

2008-10-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

i can't get enough of this shit. seriously.
the other day i was working the door at the restaurant, and couldn't resist doing a little part of the dance. an old man walked in and caught me unawares... i was so embarrassed i gave him a table right away.
it's just soooooo enjoyable. on soooooo many levels.

today was really dreadful at work

2008-10-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

so on the way home i listened to the entire soundtrack of "the sound of music". there is something really soothing about nuns, a nanny, and some-sort-of-orphans singing. after listening to it i had almost forgotten being yelled at by a hawaiian-shirted assortment of bridge-and-tunnelers going to see "jersey boys".

known variously as esther, or madge

2008-10-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

the other night i got to go see madonna in concert. i totally enjoyed the show... but as always, i do have some complaints... that's how i do.

1. madonna stop playing guitar. nobody wants to see that, get back to dancing. that's what i paid for.
2. stop lying about your plastic surgery. i could see that work from my seat up in the stands. also the jumbo-tron helped.
3. i understand that you're rather proud of those arms. but i think sleeves would work quite nicely for you.

i do have to give you some props, not many performers can dedicate a song from "evita" to their daughter and then only moments later call the entire audience "pussy motherfuckers".

though i rarely give a dollar

2008-10-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

there's something about street musicians and buskers that when i walk past them i can't help but feel as if i'm the star of a movie and that they are the soundtrack, or that it's the begining credits of some sit-com based on my stand-up comedy stylings.
except when it's the peruvian pan pipe man, or a dreadlocked lesbian with a guitar.

get crackin'

2008-10-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

now that it's october i'm going to have to start thinking about a halloween costume. i can wear one to the restaurant, but i haven't decided if it will be more embarrassing to wear a costume or to have someone think that my regular clothes are a costume.

something to be discovered, not announced

2008-10-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

i have to deal with a lot of offensive perfumes. i work in a restaurant where our main clientele are old ladies going to lunch before the matinee. they all wear shalimar or something with elizabeth taylor's name stamped on it. but funny enough the worst smelling cologne of all-time is one not worn my many old ladies.
patchouli.
everytime i pass someone on the street and smell it i want to die.
my friend jeremy recently told me about a bar he used to go to where if someone came in wearing patchouli they would get kicked out and never allowed back in. ever.
i'm still not one hundred percent on how they enforced this... but i'm thinking about setting up a similar rule to govern my life.

shave and a haircut. two bits.

2008-09-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

i hate getting my haircut. i hate the intimacy with a stranger, the forced conversation, the feeling of hair sticking to your neck and forehead.
i don't really like to have long drawn out talks with hairdressers. i let them know what i want, we discuss the cut... but after that when they ask me what i do or how my summer was, it takes everything in me not to respond with, "please don't address me until it's time to ask me how i like my hair."
i got a dreadful haircut this morning... long story short i wanted it thinned out. when i asked the stylist to clean up my sideburns he buzzed them down to almost nothing. which upset me to no end. when i got home and looked it the mirror i saw that my hair had been thinned so much that you could see large pieces of my scalp from many angles. combined with my supremely short sideburns it looked like i had down syndrome and was going through a course of chemotherapy. it was definitely "a very special episode" of "life goes on".
i'm back to having a buzz cut. it was my only option.

gay face...

2008-09-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

is the worst. ironically there is nothing more off-putting and unsexy to this gay man, than a bad case of gay face. gay face is an effect brought on by numerous causes including overly plucked eyebrows, a tightly pursed mouth, distinctly surprised expressions, and too much bronzer... yeah. that's pretty much all i have today. a pointless and kind of petty complaint.

it's not sexist to think a woman is stupid when they are actually stupid. very, very, very stupid.

2008-09-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

when i was in the eighth grade, i was assigned a project on an aspect of the lives of colonial settlers. i chose the salem witch trials. one day when i was doing research on a teacher's computer, the substitute came up behind me and read what i was looking at. she then gravely warned me about the dangers of witches and the very likely possibility that black magic could be cast against me.
i don't know what's more worrisome... the fact that the florida school system has teachers who believe in witchcraft, or that someone who believes in witchcraft could possibly be the vice-president. seriously witchcraft. it's sad and hilarious... but mostly sad.

tacky

2008-09-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

...on so many levels.

yet oh so enjoyable.

sunset boulevard

2008-09-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

the worst thing about having studied theatre and now not working (or wanting to work at all) in the field, is when people find out what you went to school for.
"but you don't audition? how could you give up your dreams? you must have not really wanted it!"
why don't people say these things to the kids who wanted to be firemen or astronauts... yes i know most people don't get all the way through astronaut school and then decide... but still.

kind of like tyra banks...

2008-09-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

a while back we had a conversation about unfortunate wigs worn by hasidic women. i've done some thinking... and here's the thing. if you've seen a good wig, then you haven't really. because good wigs should go unseen. just like facelifts and transexuals.

i understand...

2008-09-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

this kid. i understand this kid's need for attention.

in the third grade (which coincidentally is much to old for the following to happen) i decided i should get up as mrs. alexander was teaching the class and sing "yankee doodle dandee" all the while doing a soft shoe or sorts.
and yet she never stopped me. she let me sing all the way through. i finished, sat down, and listened to mrs. alexander finish up assigning us projects to build dioramas.

don't you think it's annoying when...

2008-09-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

you're having a political discussion/argument with someone and they keep telling you how much fun they're having.
really?
it's not that much fun.
you don't agree with me.
and your opinion is wrong.

3 reasons i'm happy that summer will be over soon

2008-09-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

1. the european tourists will all go home.
2. the fact that showering before going anywhere involving being outside or riding the subway will not be pointless.
3. regular programing will return to television.

open mouth. insert foot.

2008-09-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

so the other day my friend jermaine and i went on an adventure. we people watched as we walked through the streets of the upper west side and commented on everyone we saw.
we passed two young women sitting outside a cafe.
i say in a voice definitely loud enough for them to hear, "and where do these girls thinking are going? 1987? and who does she think is? laura bell bundy wanna-be!"
jermaine is silent at first, "matt, that is laura bell bundy."
oops.

in the spirit of shannen doherty

2008-09-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

so today (even though it goes against my better nature) i practiced giving underhanded compliments as well as just being passive aggressive in general. some highlights included:
1. "well you certainly dressed for comfort today!"
2. pretending not to remember someone annoying that i had previously met.
3. telling people that they're more fun when drunk.
4. purposefully arriving late and then saying, "oh! i hope i didn't keep you waiting long!"
it sounds obnoxious. but as my grandpa harold used to say, "try it you might like it."

if you look closely you can see her nipple

2008-09-04T19:41:00.001-07:00

this evening i volunteered at a fashion show. i was an usher, helping people to their seats, handing out programs, blah blah blah. before it started, i decided i should probably know where the restrooms were so i could direct people to them.
as i walked through the hallway bumped into a familiar looking woman.
i asked in an awkwardly loud voice, "WHERE ARE THE TOILETS?"
it was only then that i realized i had asked shannen doherty. who was inexplicably the host of the event.
she looked at me and said, "read the signs."
then turned to her friend and said, "the pretty ones always look so lost."
YES! all is right with the world. shannen doherty has proven all rumors true; she is a bitch. and i got a compliment. she thinks i'm stupid. but she thinks i'm pretty. pretty trumps stupid.

wouldn't it be loverly

2008-09-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

this morning at work i received a call from a woman of the cockney persuasion inquiring about throwing a private party.
after i went over the menu i told her the price.
she was aghast and yelled, "oh no we couldn't possibly, they're all just a bunch of theatricals!"
i was particularly amazed because i have never, try as i might been able to work "theatricals" into everyday conversation.
her next tactic was to offer shine shoes and chimney sweeps in exchange for a better rate.

realness and throwing shade

2008-09-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

so "the hills" is back on tv with a new season. i'm not really sure what i feel about the show as a whole. i suspect i like... but i haven't really figured it out yet.
but from what i gather i might be the only person in the world who likes heidi montag more than lauren conrad.
i find something v. earnest about heidi's strangely manufactured image vs. lauren conrad's passive aggressive behavior .

please sir, can i have some more?

2008-09-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

among the many groups of people i dislike are the young and optimistic ones who stand on the sidewalk and try to get you to sign petitions/give money/donate time to their charity. the charity always involves either children, the environment, or gay rights... or a combination of all three.
the scenario ultimately begins with some poorly-paid do-gooder standing in your way and desperately trying to make eye contact with you.
they then say, "hi! do you have a minute for children/the environment/gay rights?"
i respond with, "i hate children/the environment/gays."

i never liked 'em, and i never will

2008-08-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

thank god the olympics are over! i have always hated sports. always. ever since i was small and my parents forced me to play soccer by bribing me with "my little ponies". and consequently i have always hated the olympics.
forget the whole world coming together for two weeks. it's two weeks of nothing on television but sports.
hell already has a channel, and it's called espn. so really nbc? is it so hard to ask that you don't interrupt my programs to show some damn race. i just want to watch kathie lee and hoda on the fourth hour of the today show.
but on a related note:
while i do find michael phelps attractive, i can't help but notice that there is something disctinctly lurch-like about his countenance.

exceptions to the rule

2008-08-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

well yes... i did say i don't enjoy puppets v. much. but i do enjoy "labyrinth".
i know this dialogue by heart.
we all have our talents.
this is mine.

puppets

2008-08-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

did anyone read the new york times vows section this weekend? and did anyone notice the wedding between the sesame street puppeteer and writer?
here's the thing... this wedding looks very personal, and these people look very nice (if lacking in good taste), and it's not that i hate puppets, they just make me uncomfortable. even muppets. i find them as uncomfortable making as clowns, child beauty pageant winners, and little old ladies with obvious face-lifts.

suede likes it, but I don't

2008-08-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

i've developed one of the most obnoxious speech habits ever. referring to myself in the third person. at first i thought it was ironic... cute even.
it came to my attention that this is just not the case in two ways. first, through the constant ridiculing by friends. second, through watching suede one "project runway". man did i feel like a jackass.
so now most of my sentences go something like this, "matth... damn. I really want to/see/go..."

whats the point?...

2008-08-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

of orthodox jewish women shaving their heads and then wearing really cheap wigs? is it to be more pious? closer to god? i don't think it accomplishes those things. in the end they just look like strangely conservative alopecia patients...
what if all the hair for locks of love was really going towards the orthodox jewish community. now that would be something.

smarter and more sensitive

2008-08-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

the best thing about going to the met is getting the little entrance tab-button-thingy. and then wearing it all day long and lording over all who see you how cultured and sophisticated you are.

knock it off

2008-08-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

dear tacky tourists and poorly dressed suburbanites,
you're not fooling anyone. you wear your mile-high mall bangs, your sweatpants, your mom jeans, your cheap looking sneakers with pride. you arrive in the city like you are dressed to clean out the garage. all this leads me to hypothisize that the humungous louis vuitton bag you're carrying was just bought from a west african on the side of the street. i'm not judging you... but you're not fooling anyone.
sincerely,
m

rip

2008-08-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

it's a known fact that celebrities die in threes.
i was sad when i heard about bernie mac, and was really surprised this evening when i caught news of isaac hayes' passing.
if i were rich, black and relatively well known i would be shaking in my tims.

the top 3 reasons why i hate sarah jessica parker

2008-08-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

1. i dislike her carrie bradshaw character for obvious reasons, ie. flakiness and bad decision making. that dislike has carried over to reality.

2. on interview and chat shows she seems disingenuous with both other guests and hosts. she routinely feigns interest in whatever people are talking about to hawk her latest cheap perfume.

3. for several years now she has fooled people into thinking she is pretty. in actual fact she is not. straight men have always known this, but she has pulled the wool over the eyes of women and gays worldwide by wearing "interesting" outfits that distract.

i got me a cadillac cadillac cadillac

2008-08-08T19:42:00.000-07:00

when i was five or six, i LOVED the color pink. loved it. couldn't get enough of it. loved it so much that i was obsessed with the pale pink cadillacs that mary kay ladies got as bonuses for making high sales.
i was convinced that when i turned sixteen my parents would get me one.

it's hot and it's monotonous

2008-08-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

someone should think about putting airconditioning in the subway stations. scratch that, i've thought of it and it's a great idea. get on it bloomberg! start the necessery paperwork.

it bugs me when...

2008-08-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

people misuse adjectives. like referring to food as sexy, or a dress as delicious. not only do i not like it... but it makes me feel very very uncomfortable.

snow white

2008-08-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

so i've given up.
after growing up in florida, and spending a few summers in new york desperately trying to darken the tone of my skin to a malibu acceptable shade i've realized i will always be fair. my english and irish genes have specifically designed me for living in a bog and eating stewed meats. earlier this summer i even tried to use that jergens stuff... it left me smelled medicated and feeling sticky.
so now i tell myself that i'm alabaster white like nicole kidman... even though i know the color of my skin more closely resembles the sickly mottled pink of a pounded chicken breast.

american teen

2008-08-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

have you seen this documentary? if you haven't, i recommend it. basically its a documentary that humanizes the different high school stereotypes... and it was good. i found all the characters to be highly likeable and i understood their reasons for doing the shit they did... except for one. the popular girl.
not to be cold or unforgiving; but the fact that your retarded sister killed herself in the basement two years ago isn't a valid reason for being a nasty bitch.
... see the movie.

dirty pussy

2008-08-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

about a year ago i moved into an apartment that had a cat living in it. i had two cats when i was really little and i thought i liked them.
i imagine myself an animal lover. i was sure it would only take a few whistles and a coo to have this cat trained to do my bidding. he would be like a dog, fetching the paper, my slippers... an all around quality companion.
in the end i realized he was like a dog. a dog with rabies, constantly trying to bite and scratch the literal hands that fed him. mr. t, an apt name for such a surly tempered animal, was the most fickle of creatures i've ever met. he enjoyed being pet... until he'd had enough, and then to let you know he would bite you. hard. and not let go.
after an unfortunate turn of events there was nothing left to do but to find another home for mr. t. right now he's being taken care of by some lovely cat ladies, but i'm thinking he will find a new owner fast. and whoever this person is they will need two things, a cat door so he can get outside, and a thick skin... literally you will need a thick skin. his teeth are sharp.
here's to mr. t, the original frenemy.

i want a dog

2008-07-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

i really want a dog. in the same way that a teenage girl desperately wants a baby for the unconditional love, but is completely incapable of caring for it.

i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller...

2008-07-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

and a '64 impala wouldn't be too bad.
my whole life i have been in the first row of group photographs. and when i complained about it to my parents they told me not to worry, that one day i would have a growth spurt and be the tallest person in my class.
they lied.
i really do wish i was a bit taller though... not so tall that i had to buy clothing at big and tall stores and sleep in convoluted positions so as to fit on a mattress, just taller than most.
i have a friend who IS taller than most. much taller than most.
and while there are advantages to being a tall drink of water... i.e. being able to see over shop counters at a young age, lots of attentions from the opposite sex/same sex.
there are also disadvantages. and number one on that list of disadvantages (right after ducking after the door, and trouble finding attractive shoes that fit) are the unwelcome snappy remarks from strangers young and old. from what i understand, there are only so many times one can be asked if they play basketball and how the weather is up there.

a little extreme?

2008-07-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

this is pretty much how i feel about pickles...
seriously.

sweep it under the rug

2008-07-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

everytime i see a man wearing a toupe i have an urge to sneak up behind him and whisper in his ear, "everyone knows your secret..."
really, if you think about it i'd be doing him a favor.... and everyone that looks at him too.

shirley temple

2008-07-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

i hate performing children. to me dakota fanning, that kid from jerry maguire, the culkins as a whole all seem like this...

creepy little midgets vying for attention.

its not so much that i don't like children in general... it's more that most child stars have an aura of desperate spookiness that pervades every movie their in and every song they sing. it's like you can tell that they're working their darndest to smile and be cute so that mommy's dreams can come true... i.e. a big new mcmansion and even bigger new titties.

i think this stems from my grandmother not allowing me to watch shirley temple movies when i was little. "there's something sinister about her saccharine sweetness," she told me. and i do have to say that while i didn't understand that when i was smaller, i completely agree with her now.

this kid however is very talented...

and furthermore the fact that this video doesn't give me the heebie-jeebies is a miracle in itself.